A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I can't put those talents on a resume
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