I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
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i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
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He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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