Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
