i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
