That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm bleeding and have questions
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
