There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
