I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
