so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
