i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
