There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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