my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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