so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
