got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
