I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
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He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
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Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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