Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
