i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
