someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
