I skipped work to stalk him.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
