yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
