I think my vagina is haunted
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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