He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
