She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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