I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
