My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
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All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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