what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
