watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
