I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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