needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
