wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
