he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
