She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
