Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
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