My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
