my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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