I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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