What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
