im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
