My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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