Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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