the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
