got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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