i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
