Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
