I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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