Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
