I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
