It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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