I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
