hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
