there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
