theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize