just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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