How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
