My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
