I wish I could teleport
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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