Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
