In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
